Christianism ("Christianity"), Etc.


from: Queen Jane's Version, The Holy Bible for ...... Only, The Complete and Uncensored Translation for a New Millennium, Containing the Old and New Testaments and Something to Offend Everyone, Douglas A. Rankin, Dallas Emporia Press, 1999. [1152 pages]. [from: Robb Marks, Bookseller 815/624-4593].


'....It will not only appeal to liberal, curious Christians, but also to a diverse following of atheists, skeptics, freethinkers of all sorts, secular humanists, anyone titillated by the perverse and anyone challenged by liberating ideas. Victims of clergy abuse and objects of gender, racial, homophobic, and other forms of Bible-based prejudice, will find it redemptive.

Queen Jane's Version, The Holy Bible for ...... Only (QJV) is an outrageous parody, chapter and verse, of the King James Version (KJV). Throughout the text, graphic icons flag the most scandalous scriptures, while contemporary language (including epithets and sexually explicit slang where appropriate) exposes and holds up for ridicule all the flaws, errors, contradictions, debaucheries, atrocities, obscenities, and absurdities that fill the "original" KJV. Though the QJV is often radical, cynical, sarcastic, blasphemous, and bawdy, the purpose of such an approach is to inspire people to live life for life rather than for death, for reality rather than for mindcrippling myth....

As a whole, it is an iconoclastic, biting, often shocking satire that mocks religious hypocrisy and the gullibility of hard-core believers.' [dust jacket].

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What is it about the Bible that makes believers believe? Why is it that so many otherwise rational, educated people cling to blind, irrational faith in Adam and Eve, Satan, the angel Gabriel, Noah and the Flood, Jehovah and Jesus, Three Wise Men, the Virgin Mary, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? None of these is any more credible than what they properly regard as myths, things like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Zeus, Hercules, Paul Bunyon, and the Wicked Witch of the West. So why do people insist on making a distinction between the two lists and declare the former to be truth, without proof and on the basis of 'faith' alone, and the latter to be just fairy tales? ...." [xv].

"And what more masterful sacrifice of the mind can there be than the Christian scenario and mystique—God sacrificing himself by what the subconscious mind finds so unfortunately irresistible, a traditional, savage, blood-rite tribal sacrifice to save humans from themselves? And all those insecurities, frustrations, fears, and yearnings that have lain buried in the human psyche since humans first began to think about such things are thus so artfully serviced by Christianity's 'salvation' which can only be earned by belief-without-question, without thought. But it is 'salvation' at a price, the price being commitment of the mind to guilt consciousness (dare you betray Jesus' sacrifice through disbelief and disobedience, after all his sufferings for you?) and to a concept of righteousness that is not based upon what good sense may say but upon what emotional commitment to fear and guilt and mystical enticement prescribe." [xv].

'Antiquated words and expressions spoken by 'holy men' or written down in 'holy books'—though no longer used in everyday conversation, except by priests, shamans, rabbis, or preachers—take on a mystical mumbo-jumbo, hocus-pocus, abracadabra quality that mesmerizes people into believing that there must be truth in such ancient blathering.

So how do you convert people from passionately believing impossible things that need to be ridiculed for them and bring them to their senses? Consider the words of Mark Twain in Mysterious Stranger: "Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century after century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand."' [xvi].

[See: #3, 80-82 (Laughter)].


Chapter One

Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night...." [3].

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from: "Complimentary Preview Copy" [Queen Jane's Version, The Holy Bible for ...... Only]. [16 pages].

"Noteworthy among late twentieth century versions of the Holy Bible are those that target select audiences: children, teen-agers, singles, the married, the elderly, business leaders, men, promise keeping macho males, women, feminists, the politically correct and the gender-neutral Bible stories have been translated into hillbilly white dialect as well as urban black street language...." [1].

"Leviticus is a collection of 'priestly' material intended to spell-out and catalog worship and 'holiness' criteria. It contains silly rituals, primitive superstitions, bigoted 'law', unfair and extreme punishments for failure to comply to the letter, etc., and all to frighten tribal members into submission.

—Gene Kasmar, author,

All the Obscenities in the Bible" [7].

"The Song of Solomon represents a collection of disjointed and fragmented eroticism and love poetry, the closest thing to outright pornography found within the Bible. The one thing it is NOT is (as claimed by many churches) a metaphor for the love between Christ and his Church!

—Gene Kasmar, author,

All the Obscenities in the Bible" [9].

[See (Kasmar): #5, 163; #7, 185].

'"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and tortuous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness with which more than half the Bible is filled, it would be more consistent that we call it the word of a demon than the word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize [hu]mankind."

—Thomas Paine' [back cover].

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